The Daily Honky Tonk 172nd Edition

The Daily Honky Tonk
172nd Edition
Sunday, January 18, 2009
10:25 PM

Hmmm. I’ve been taking things way too seriously. I’ve been taking life way too seriously. I’m trying to run life at a sprint rather than as a marathon.

BYU is amazing. I love it here. I love my classes. I love my professors.

I was going to write because I’ve been thinking a lot. I think I’m going to write about what I need to do, and that is not take life so seriously.

Living in the Present
There are three time based lenses through which we can live our life. We can live in the past, in the present, or in the future; or perhaps I should add a fourth one because idealistically you learn from the past, live in the present, and prepare for the future. Realistically, I kick myself for the past, enjoy a few moments, and I obsess over making the future excellent.
Today we went to see my Uncle Brent and Aunt Kori in Salt Lake. They are a really fun couple with a beautiful new little girl named Samantha. They were teasing me for not skipping my two classes to ski with Dad and Caleb on Friday. “I never wish I would have studied more or spent more time in class” Kori teased. . ..especially not for the likes of Physical Science and Music 101. The teasing, and other discussion about college life, caused me to pause and look at myself.
I did one thing really good in coming to BYU. Instead of trying to predict what college life was going to be, I’ve just enjoyed watching it reveal itself to me. At the same time, I’m realizing that I’m trying to run college at a rate by which I will be married, graduated, have a solid job, AND have a kid on the way in a year. That’s just ridiculous. Ha ha. I’m trying to laugh at myself.. . .but its kind of sick.
I’m always trying to prepare myself to get the most out of the future. But if your always doing that, you can’t have any presents to get the most out of.
My current roommate and former missionary companion Scott, said to me once as a missionary; “Elder Tonkinson, when you are relaxed you are the most fun person to be around, we have so much fun. But when your stressed, it stresses me out.” Everytime I get stressed, I think about that. I try and relax myself so I can be fun.
I can feel myself tightening up as I start to go into sprint mode. Let’s see, to complete my major, I need these classes, the quickest I can take them is in how few semesters? Run. If I’m really careful about who I date and I only date girls who I could see myself dating, then I could get married in the next year or a little bit more. Run. Run. I need to get a job next semester so I can save money to be married, to have a family, and to really support myself without any help from the parents. Run. Run. Run. Faster. Faster. Faster. Suddenly I start asking what I need to cut out. Do I need to cut out music? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with music. I can’t see myself making a fulltime profession out of it. I don’t want to be flirtatious and playful. . .or I might send the wrong signal to a girl I’m not interested in. Suddenly I tie myself to some imagined future, to some imagined outcome that I’m trying to control. The control freak comes out in me. I mean come on. . .. I couldn’t honestly cut out music just because it will get in the way of me speeding through school or because I don’t think I’ll make a profession out of it.
In these moments, taking life too seriously, I start to try and view myself. The character I see is eccentric, a little weird, excited when there is something deep to talk about, rather boring and non conversational on a basic conversational level, so driven in progressing forward that it scares people. (It’s what I hear when people tell me “to enjoy it”, “to not be too set on getting married” and other things .. .lots of people have said that. It scares me that what seems weird to other people often seems rational to me.
What I’m doing right now is what my English Professor calls spewing “emotional vomit”. Ergh.
This is the consequence of taking things too seriously; I start to not like myself. I start to see, or imagine the worst parts of me that everyone else must see in me, but not tell me because they are polite. You know what I’m talking about. .. .like my Grammy Tonkinson. She has severe paranoia (which has been lessened slightly by alzhiemer’s.) We may talk to her and tell her that her fears are irrational, but we don’t walk around saying, Grammy you are paranoid! Nor do you tell the one really awkward kid at school who seems clueless about it, that he’s awkward .. ..obliviousness is bliss, right? I just find myself trying to guess all the things people see that they don’t want to tell me about.
Now relax.
Rationale tells me this. No matter what I am really like, every person will percieve me a little differently. The same thing that some people will love me for, others will despise and find to be annoying. Therefore it does very little good to worry about what others think or interpret from your actions. Recognizing and acting on my most deep motives will allow me to be happy, despite how others may view it.
Rationale also tells me that life is not a race, and everything will come in due time. Because I trust in God, all things will work together for my good. Trying to do it all on my timing and in my way will stifle growth and will stop the Atonement and the Lord’s hand from working in my life.
Thirdly, being serious about life is an addiction, and like all other addictions it leads me to misery. So quit it.
Fourth, there is a lot of time ahead of me. It doesn’t, can’t, won’t, shouldn’t, all be done by tomorrow. Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and to enjoy life. If I’m not enjoying it, I’m doing something wrong.
Fifth, there really is very little I can control. When I do try and control everything around me, Heavenly Father allows it to happen the way it was supposed to, despite my best efforts to have it my way.
Sixth, the scriptures and my Patriarchal Blessing do contain the promises and directions for my life .. However, they do not need to be completely understood, fulfilled by tomorrow or anytime soon. I just need to be faithful.
Finally, I need to come up with some new coping ideas for pulling out of stress into seriousness. I need to figure out what has worked before. Experimenting and doing things that I wouldn’t normally often allows me to better understand my limits, and to discover where I’m actually more relaxed and comfortable than I assume. Not thinking at all about the future. Spending significant time pushing out thoughts of the future is often a great stress reliever to me. I already spend so much time planning for it, that I know I’ll still be headed in that direction. In fact, just by trusting in the Lord I will move in the right direction. And if at some point I think too little of the future, I know that I’ll be prompted back in the right direction. The Spirit never lets one stray too much if you are always trying to give heed to it. That was a comforting lesson from my mission and probably the most powerful for relaxing. If I let go of trying to take over everything in my life. If I just continued doing good, being good, and went out trying my best, I didn’t have to preoccupy myself over doing every little thing just right. The Atonement became an enabling power, allowing me to live. To really live, to really enjoy the moments, instead of worrying about the moments. Faith based living brings joy. I know that.
I feel happier now. If I can keep that idea in my head, I’ll do fine for a few months. Just live life. Keep doing the right things and all the little things will work out. Life does turn on small hinges, small things do have eternal consequences . ..but because of the Atonement, and because I am following the Savior, fretting over the small things will not help me progress and shows too much confidence in myself and my abilities and not His power and His ability to guide my life.

Okay, I’m done. This was a good writing session. Writing is a great form of therapy :).

The Editor,
Mark