The Daily Honky Tonk 189th Edition

The Daily Honky Tonk
189th Edition
Sunday, July 25, 2010

This whole past week has been a bit of an adventure. Samuel (my roommate) and I played all week, watching action flicks, talking, and spending time with other friends. And most importantly we participated in the worlds largest water balloon fight. It was incredibly fun and we set a world record with other BYU peoples :).

Table of Contents
Briana’s Blog
Kory’s Blog
Letters to the Editor (includes immigration, dating, and self discovery responses)

Briana’s Blog
Briana and I were in a play together. She and I have been friends since then and I enjoy our talks. We hung out the other weekend and I have to wonder after reading her blog if our conversation stuck with her :). Anyway, I wanted to respond to the blog because I always have stuff to say about marriage, and because she asked for responses.
You can read the blog post here- http://brianashipley.blogspot.com/2010/07/deep-thoughts.html
I don’t think anyone can negate completely the fear that exists with being married. It just is scary. There are plenty of examples of good marriages and plenty of examples of bad marriages. Certainly the bad ones ring out strongly in my generation. And the idea of marriage has in many ways been portrayed as being “tied down” or just a luck of the game type event. We could go over all the ideas that are negatively associated with marriage, but I think we know them.
The truth is that Satan is fighting very hard to destroy the family. And in some ways, he seems to be winning that battle. But he is only winning the battle, not the war. In the end, good wins, no matter how bad it gets right now.
I believe that optimism is a good thing. However, I don’t believe in optimism in the idealistic sense that if we always say “I think I can” things will just happen. I believe in optimistic realism. I’ll try and give an example in the context of the conversation. Briana mentions
What if the spouse is physically (and I’ll add and/or verbally/emotionally abusive)? This is a real fear. A realitic optimist does not negate the possibility. Instead, I say, it may be the case, but in the end if I continue on the right path the Savior will make up for it. If I marry a girl and she stops obeying the Lord, she becomes an alcoholic, abuses our children, and is constantly selfish then in the end all those hurts will be healed. They will not be taken away necessarily and it would be very hard. However, the Savior will make up the difference and He has suffered the pain to understand and heal my pain.
Now this may not sound very optimistic to other people, but for me it is. I can’t control my future. There is no way I can get a promise from anyone including the Lord that things won’t go wrong. The Lord allows even our spouses to make their own decisions. I’ve watched plenty of examples where the Lord probably knew the outcome of a marriage, but he didn’t stop it. Why? That’s hard to say. I don’t know that there is a really good answer. But I do know this. There was a mother who had three beautiful daughters. She served a mission, was very faithful and had those daughters with a good member of the church. When I met her, the husband had stopped believing in God, had cheated on her and was now living with the other woman, and their had been a painful divorce. It had nothing at all to do with the woman. She was and still is a very faithful member of the Church. Her daughters radiate the sweetness they have learned from their mother. There was nothing in my mind that made the situation fair. It could not be fixed. And I’m sure that she wasn’t told by inspiration that her husband would leave her 10 years later. However, I sat through a Testimony Meeting in which I listened to one of the most powerful testimonies of the Savior’s love and power to heal. The Savior has power to take us out of the darkest and bitterest parts of life.
To marry, we have to have faith. Faith that in the end things will be alright. Not that our marriage will go perfect, not that it will be years and years of bliss, not that it won’t all fall to pieces and our lives will be our own personal Hells for a time. Instead we trust that in the end, if we were on the right path, those things would be healed and we will be blessed more than what we were originally given. I think this is the great lesson of Job in The Bible.
Once, a person has accepted this, you have to put aside those fears. You don’t try and tell yourself they aren’t real. That’s unrealistic in my mind. But you realize if that’s all you think about, there is no way you could put your trust in anybody enough to feel anything for them.
Some great advice I received from my friend Aaron (Amy’s husband) was that when dating you need to think about what you feel for the person. You can’t worry about how they feel towards you. You focus on how you feel about them and leave them to themselves. The only thing you can really look at is if you like where the person is now. You can’t change their past, and you won’t be in control of their future even if you marry them.
It’s comforting to be told by those who have successful marriages that you don’t always like your spouse, that marriage is mostly hard work, that it takes a lot, that its not some fairy tale bliss, that you get tired of each other, etc. etc. So, if these things are all true, but we also are taught that marriage brings bliss, how is it possible? It’s possible because everything that is really good in life comes because it takes a lot of work. Marriage is not instant gratification. It is a gradual build of joy and happiness through years and years of working together.
I can list hundreds of attributes you could try and line up to make things work, but in the end I still think it comes down to communication and a desire to work through things. Two people who don’t want their marriage to end will work at it even if it requires months, nay years, to get past it. Studies have shown that most unhappy couples who work through it are happy again five years later.
I think the reason that marriage can be so hard and that its so hard to get there is like any good thing in life, Satan doesn’t want us to have it. He will stop at nothing to ruin our chances at happiness, or even believing that we could be happy. He knows the great potential of the family, not only to have happiness therein, but to be a good influence on a community, a nation, and the world. Good families, produce good children, who can continue to promote good influence in the world. The family is the strongest battle unit the Lord has. Satan knows he can tear out the foundation of the world by tearing up families and by stopping future families from coming forward. He’s a smart enemy for sure.
So, my final comment to Briana, is if you think you want marriage, add it to your five to ten year plan, or it probably won’t happen. If it isn’t in the plan, you probably won’t address the fears, you won’t put yourself out there for the opportunities and other things will take priorities. The paradox in love is though it’s the best gift to receive, we have to be just as willing to give it and put everything out there. All our fears and doubts can stop us from receiving that love, even if someone is trying to give it to us.
Why do this sooner than later? Well, as we get older, we all get more set in our ways. It is easier now to be less selfish, more flexible, and more adaptive when we are younger than when we keep adding years of experience to justify how we think things should be :).
I hope that was helpful.

Kory’s Blog
My Aunt Kory writes one of my favorite blogs. I love reading her blog. If you haven’t had the privilege of doing so, you can go read her blog at http://welcometomysoapbox.blogspot.com/

Friday, July 23, 2010
The Problem With Not Being Easily Offended

We tend to be viewed as 'insensitive' to others.

We wouldn't be offended by it, so why would someone else?

Things that we would consider as a natural part of every day conversation others misinterpret as an attack. Typically it will take someone a few months of knowing us to realize- 'that's just who they are'

Not being easily offended, or caring what others think is a liberating quality- but it can also limit one's inner circle of friends to individuals that have really good self-esteem, are very thick skinned, or are extremely forgiving. I think I'm ok with that.

**I tend to be on the extremely forgiving end. I could take some more thick skin :) Yeah, I like reading what Kory has to say always. We don’t always agree on things, but I feel like we respect each others opinions and I enjoy getting new insights from her.

P.s. Once on her blog, to get a good taste, I recommend you read the list of blogs under the subtitle “Posts That Got More Than 5 Hits”

Letters to the Editor

You were a smart kid to realize that personality supercedes looks! Nice for you, you have both.

If we dedicate all of our time to our spouse or the individual we're dating, we put undue pressure on them to be 'everything' to us.

If we have many relationships outside of our significant other, the need to be 'everything' is lifted.

We are all unique and dynamic individuals, and the idea that one person is going to satisify all of our needs has lead to many a disgruntled marriage. Often, we can get those 'needs' fufilled through friends. I don't need my husband to be hilarious, because I have girlfriends that think I'm hilarious. This too can go too far. There obviously needs to be a healthy balance, with the majority of connections with your spouse.

My point is, this new direction you're going will release some of the pressure you're putting on your relationships and yourself.
Kory

** I bold faced what I appreciated the most. After writing about passions, I’ve taken more time to consider what I really need fulfilled through my wife and what I won’t. The disappearing pressure is nice :).


I've always wondered why no one has made it simpler to enter the country legally. It would help [at least somewhat] with illegal immigrants, so why do people seem to be more interested in building walls to keep them out instead of making it easier to come in the right way?
As for more "freedom" in sex, even without the consequences of law, there will always be consequences - people call it "breaking" the commandments, but really all they're doing is breaking themselves against them, for the commandments still stand. Laws that are irrevocably decreed cannot be changed, justice must and will be served regardless. Only those who have repented and applied the Atonement receive mercy, for Christ has already paid their debt. And even in this life there are consequences - they are empty, following after the lusts of their eyes, and so will lead an empty life, having no purpose except to perhaps serve as a warning for those that have eyes to see and ears to hear.
Yes, it is saddening and we should do all we can to prevent it, but people tend to be stupid and foolhardy [everyone is to some extent] and we can only do so much and leave the rest in the Lord's hands.

Belen
**Thanks for the reminder about sin and consequences. I think the phrase I put in bold is a very beautiful word picture of what you expressed.

I enjoyed your observations about pushing yourself to the edge. I think that's why I run. Each time I go for a run I have to go to that place where it hurts a bit, and then keep going. It's therapeutic and cathartic.

While we were in Russia with the adoption, our case worker wanted to emigrate to the United States. He had a Masters Degree and spoke three languages. He had a great deal to offer our country. The emigration process for him was onerous and bordering on the impossible. He had to travel to Moscow, a day's journey by train. Wait in line to get the proper paperwork. Wait in line to submit the paperwork. Pay large sums. Wait. Hope. Dream. So to say that we need to improve the process is an understatement. However, circumventing (aka breaking) our law will not make the process any easier. Why should someone that lives a few miles south of us be able to circumvent the law and enter the country when the man in Russia has the chance of a beach vacation in Siberia of getting in? If I was poor and desperate, and decided to break the law by robbing a bank, should my economic circumstances mitigate the sentence? Without the rule of law we are not a nation.

The first limits on immigration were started in 1875, but the most restrictive quotas didn't start until 1924. However, go read 2 Ne 1:8. Lehi understood how "the promised land" could be overrun if not kept secret. Some order and control must be maintained. How much is up for debate, but certainly a chaotic free-for-all could not be good.

Just for the record, Uncle Chock and I have done the back-breaking work that illegal immigrants do. That's how I paid for my mission and college. Supply and demand economics will solve the problem. If the demand for labor is there, the supply will materialize, but the price will not be the same as for illegal workers. Because of that fact, I personally feel that the illegal immigrant is a modern-day slave. They suffer great danger. They suffer abuse. They are cheated and robbed. They are paid a percentage of what their labor is worth. They have little redress with the law because they are operating outside of it. They are a also a victim. I think we do a greater disservice to the illegal immigrant by not enforcing our law.

I do not rail against the illegal immigrant, but against the fallacious argument that indigent economic circumstances somehow nullify the importance of obeying the law.

Secure the border. Enforce existing law. Change the law through our proven process of open political debate and passage of legislation.

As always, good debate leads to effective solutions.

Brock

**I started thinking after reading your email about why we don’t just use the stimulus package money (if there is any left) to work on illegal immigration. All the money removes the illegal immigrants, jobs open up for those lacking jobs, and the economy begins to work itself out. Its more complicated than that. Part of the stimulus money could pay people lacking jobs to get into the law enforcement. The people wouldn’t be living on government help, but would actually have to work for their living. Those are the basic ideas for an idea that might have some possibilities.

On immigration...

I have lived in Mexico. I have talked my way out of having to bribe a policeman out of a ticket (if that made sense). Bending the law is a way of life there. If you can get away with it, then it's okay. It's a totally different mind set. I know many families here who came illegally because they could not get here any other way. They live here, raise their children here and don't have any intention of leaving. As long as they can find a way to come here they will do it.

What you propose, Mark, is something I have talked about for years. I have seen the poverty there; families are desperate to come here. These families pay thousands of dollars to coyotes or others to get them here. Why not just have them pay that money at the border as a type of deposit to the US? The only way we will stop illegal immigration is to make legal immigration easier than illegal immigration. If you simply crack down and make it harder, it will just jack up the price they will pay. They will continue to come. Let's put the coyotes out of business!

Having said that, allowing easier legal entry and then handing over benefits and tons of money in the form of federal welfare will strain our country to the breaking point faster than it is going already (if that's possible). We need to look back on the lessons of Ellis Island and welcome them in, then let them make it on their own. They can go back a whole lot easier than those who came from Europe. The immigrants in our past have made this country what it is. How can we turn our backs on them now? But neither can we spoon-feed them. Having seen the conditions and jobs in Mexico, I believe that the immigrants will be happy to work the fields and perform manual labor. Then if they feel the urge, they can better themselves and move up. However, the labor laws and minimum wage cannot be applied or it will make our agriculture too expensive to feed ourselves.

Let them pay. Let them in. Let them work.

Adrian

**Well said indeed. I’m going to throw in another plug for the stimulus package getting people back over the border and using the money to create a better system through which people can come legally.

Mark,

I haven't had a chance to read all of this post yet, but I really enjoyed reading about your experience hiking the Y. You expressed those feelings beautifully; I found myself nodding my head emphatically in agreement with everything you said about really pushing your limits. Then I realized that I don't do that enough because I am so afraid of failure.

I guess it's a pride thing. I love it when people admire my strengths, so I'm afraid to ever let them see my weaknesses. Sometimes I even try and hide my weaknesses from myself, which is no good because then I can't target them directly for improvement. I just need to recognize the blessings and lessons that come from just trying, even if it ends in what I would consider "failure."

By the way, I am going skydiving or paragliding after I graduate next year. You should come!

--katelyn

**I bolded a fear that I think many have. I was talking to a friend at work the other day and she said she like talking to me because I do all the thinking for her. The comment kind of bothered me and I sat back and reflected on why she said she didn’t like thinking. The number one reason was that it was in some way too painful. Thinking can be painful. We have to stare at our weaknesses and our fears and admit them without destroying our self esteem. Its hard to target them without getting hurt by ourselves or too stuck in our own problems as that we forget everyone else around us. But once we push ourselves to that point enough times, we can get comfortable approaching our hardest parts and working with the Lord to shape them. That doesn’t make it any less painful sometimes. And sometimes it can be destructive- it takes balance (like most things in life :) )

The Editor,
Mark