The Daily Honky Tonk 191st Edition

The Daily Honky Tonk
191st Edition
Friday, July 30, 2010
1:41 AM

Someone I love very much recently recommended that I write about things I really care about. I’ve been trying to follow that suggestion. Articles about caring, pushing oneself, and tonight, I’m going to return to the battle of the sexes. I requested some reading material from a friend about independent women . . . And now that I’ve read it I find myself riled up enough that if I don’t write I probably won’t get to sleep in the four hours that I have right now before I have to wake up. Good thing I took a nap today.

Independent Women

I was out with a girl tonight and we were talking about dating in general. For all of those of you who think it is a bad idea to talk about dating on a date . . . Well quite frankly I don’t. I talk about people I’ve dated, I ask question about people the other person had dated. I try and find out what the person expects from life. I consider it important to very quickly know what the person expects and wants from life and whether it is similar to me. I invest too much in people to waste my time and energy on people who want things that are too drastically different from what I want in my life.
So, I’m attracted to independent girls because they generally seem to know what they want and they can usually express it. Women seem to have a problem with this. And while I’ve made it a point to try and be able to read women and what they want and I consider myself better at it than many guys. . . I still by and large prefer they just tell me because I will still get it wrong plenty of times. Today, I’m not so sure that independent girls are that much better at expressing what they want (what I thought I saw in them) . . Please read the following excerpts.

“ Looking mixed-heartedly and as if she was waiting impatiently for dear life, Princess Fiona commands to Shrek, “What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.” While gawking at her and the idea of being told what was supposed to come of the rescue mission, Shrek dashes to save the Princess. “Shrek” is the prime example of a world full of fairy tale living, chivalrous ways, and the realities of what the world has come to. Shrek, being the hero or the chivalrous one, is trying to be an ogre with values and class, treating his fair lady with what all little girls used to dream of, a Prince Charming. Princess Fiona represents what has become of the modest princess, or lady, looking for that right man to sweep her off her feet and be her knight and shining armor.
I don’t remember in the story of the damsel in distress being saved and saying, “I can get on this horse myself, I don’t need your help.” From what I read and saw, I have always thought that a man was supposed to be my Prince, ultimately. Being chivalrous is referred to a sort of knighthood, courteous and honorable towards women; however in our the modern day structure of life, I can honestly see how it can be pretty hard or confusing for a man to understand what a woman really wants, when there is always a song or speech about women being independent and how they don’t need a man for anything. Women are more independent and, if it so shall happen, would not need a man to survive this life. The thing is, most still want to be treated like a princess. Women would like to be put on a pedestal, with the option of being able, not disabled.

The second excerpt:
Imagine a woman: She has a college degree and a job, she pays for her own house and car, and she’s not intimidated by any man for any reason. She’s smart, independent and strong.
Isn’t it a puzzle, then, that she dreams of chivalry and a commanding male presence?

Actually, researchers say, it makes perfect sense.
In perhaps the most fun assignment ever, Psychology Today‘s news editor, Matthew Hutson, has been blogging about why strong women fantasize about chivalry in an overcommanding way......
....In recent years, University of Kansas psychologist Patricia Hawley has picked up where Hinton left off. It appears independent women typically still have many traditional viewpoints when it comes to relationships. They expect men to open doors for them. They expect to be put on a pedestal (and men, wouldn't you if you want to be treated as such if you were expected to go through excruciating pain to continue the human existence). And they expect to still be treated as a princess, as they have been since childhood. Men don't seem to understand a woman's definition of independent. We're not trying to be men in a man's workplace. We're still women, we still like to be effeminate. I can't count how many times I've been on a date with a guy who observes my ambition and assertiveness, gives me the title of "independent woman" and then proceeds to treat me like some powerhouse CEO who's only interested in business and a very businesslike relationship. That sucks. Because believe it or not, I may be assertive but I also like to play the role of a giggly girl in love. Just because I act independent during the day doesn't mean I want to be so at night. By 5:00 pm I'm sick of being the ice queen in the conference room and ready to go curl up in my pink silky pjs with ice cream and a chick flick, or I'm ready to throw on my little black dress and look for some pigheaded guy in a bar only because he's going to treat me like an inferior being (because I'm a woman) but I'll like it because he treats me like he could one day protect me. And maybe that's all I'm trying to get at. Most of the time we "independents" feel like the man in a relationship. Read me loud and clear. We hate that. If you see us as independent, get ready to step it up and be more of a man. If you're not willing to do that, then find someone else. We can protect ourselves during the day. It's at night when we just want to be our vulnerable damsels in distress. There's nothing worse than a man who is afraid to infringe upon our "independence" and be firm and commanding and protecting because he's scarred he'll offend us. When he does this ( and trust me, we can always tell) we're usually thinking "you're not strong enough to keep up with me. I don't feel like you could provide for or protect me so you better find someone a little more insecure with themselves who you won't be intimidated by."
End Excerpts

For whatever reason, I am really angry. I’m not sure why. Maybe because my ego as a male has been attacked. I’ve never been one to side with the male ego. But believe me, I have one. Let’s take a quote.

“I can honestly see how it can be pretty hard or confusing for a man to understand what a woman really wants, when there is always a song or speech about women being independent and how they don’t need a man for anything.”

It’s really confusing. Women are confusing enough without a new way of living. Their inability to express themselves is frustrating as all get out at times. Their refusal to say what they want is annoying. . . Even if you don’t know what you want. .. Saying that you don’t know is better than nothing.
I think the best leaders in the world know what they want and can go after it. They can also clearly communicate what they want to other people and aren’t afraid to tell those they lead when they aren’t getting it. This is what I have come to expect out of an independent woman. However, these articles say to me that these independent women women struggle with the same stupid problem. . .they can’t say what they want.
I think the part that offended me the most was that the writer says you need to step it up as a male. Really? Would you even recognize the male stepping up? I’m sure that women can read when the male is scared of offending the girls through his actions. But I think the woman has made a big mistake to assume its because the male is not strong enough.
How is a male going to treat someone who acts in many ways like a male .. .well .. . Like a male. You aren’t going to try and rescue a princess when she puts the I don’t want your help attitude on. You’d be more than happy to do it. ..but you aren’t going to do it when they act like they don’t want you or need you. Not because you can’t keep up. . .but because everything you read as a male says they don’t want it.
Is it all just some show? I mean, I don’t really get it. An independent woman complains that she feels like a male? You’ve stepped into the shoes of a male, now you get treated like a male, its completely logical to a male (but women are emotional and that would be illogical to them :) ). Males are taught not to rely on each other. We aren’t supposed to show weakness. The lady doesn’t rely on others, doesn’t show weakness, and then says that she wants to still be treated like a lady. Then stop sending the wrong signals. You can still be independent, but express it.
Why is it that I haven’t read about this before? Why haven’t women said this to me before? Part of my suspicion. . .I wasn’t given the source for these articles, is that these excerpts are from a women’s magazine. Women can complain all they want about guys in there and read about other girls complaining about the same thing and then are apparently dumb enough to believe that because now every girl in the world thinks the same thing that guys will just be able to read exactly what girls want when they never happened to mention it to the guy.
I don’t think it is weak to say what you want. In fact, I think it takes a strong person to know and express what they want. You have to be smart to really know what you want and what will be valuable to you. To get what you want takes work and effort. If you can’t say what you want outright. . Then you have no reason or right to complain. If you want to tell your girlfriends how annoying it is that your guy doesn’t give you what you want. ..then you’re stupid because you are complaining to the people who can’t give you what you want. Guys aren’t stupid. They can listen to what your saying if you don’t try and hide it between the lines.
I don’t know that this is helping. I’m just getting more angry. Like I said in my last DHT . . . It takes a lot for me to care about people and not just think they are dumb. Well, maybe I should qualify that with, when I am moody I think people are dumb. When I’m happy, people are easy to love. It’s when I’m angry at myself, and the world, and can’t get out of my funks that I think people are dumb.
I hope that if you read this DHT you read others to understand that I usually like to write things out in a way that is agreeable to all parties. Most of this that I’m writing comes from the fact that I’m just angry that I read what I would have liked to hear and understood years ago. It probably doesn’t help that I lack sleep. I’ve been sickly stressed out for over a month and I’m upset at myself for feeling angry.
I’d love to hear some opinions. I’ve discussed a very narrow field of view. There are exceptions to nearly everything I’ve said. There are always exceptions to the rule. .. And I don’t even know that you can say anything I’ve said fits under a rule.

I want to end on a positive note. A quote my friend highlighted for me:
“The thing is, most still want to be treated like a princess. Women would like to be put on a pedestal, with the option of being able, not disabled.”
I don’t know any other way to enable individuals other than to find out what they really care about and what makes them tick. What you really care about is found in what you want. Your actions are all motivated by the things you care most about. The way I put women on a pedestal is by trying to give them the things they want (as long as they are good for them). If I know the wants of a young lady and its not within the realm of my ability I am more than happy to give her to someone who can meet those wants/needs (after I’ve satisfied my ego by giving it my best shot and proving to myself whether I can or can’t). But if I don’t know what in the world a girl wants I can’t put her on her pedestal. I know, it seems like guys should inherently know. But we aren’t taught our whole lives how to give back and forth like girls are taught to do to each other. We just know what we want and we push for it. Its not that guys can’t learn to read what you want . . . But its a learned skill over much time. So be patient with them, like they are being with you . . . They just might be man enough for you after all.

P.s. One final thought on wants: Wants change. This adds a whole new layer of difficulty between people. Just communicate. That goes for the males too!

The Editor,
Mark